However you happened to land on this page, I’m glad you’re here if it means that maybe you’re looking to connect to some form of healing, in whatever way that speaks to you. What you’ll find below is a completely random and inexhaustive list of resources on > cue the keywords < grief, miscarriage, pregnancy, and faith, among others – all of which can be triggers for some pretty intense emotions. So please, be gentle with yourself. Stay awhile or create a bookmark and click away until another time.
“Help” is a very personal concept. Some want it, others don’t, most fumble when trying to offer it. These are some of the resources I’ve found helpful on what can only be seen as a journey, not a destination. Some days, I want nothing to do with anyone else’s ideas on what is helpful.
(“What do they know, this is my crud, no one will ever understand.”)
Other days, I soak it all up like a sponge, amazed to find that maybe there really are other people out there who just might “get” what I’m feeling.
(“Oh my gosh, Me too. Me too! ME TOO!”)
Think of this list like trail mix; you have permission to pick out the M&Ms first, and to leave the rest. Maybe you’ll come back for the peanuts and raisins, maybe not. But they’ll be here if you need them.
Here’s the super therapeutic criteria I used to compile this list: if I hadn’t read the item before, I scanned it for at least two minutes. If it made me cry, I included it. If it made me angry, I didn’t.
On Death and Dying – Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering – Timothy Keller
I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy – Angie Smith
Miscarriage – Marie Allen
It’s Okay to Yell at God… – Eric Miller
“I’m asking for a friend.”
If you landed here because you’re looking for a way to support someone who has experienced loss – pregnancy / baby / child / hope – here are some things not to do.
When in doubt, say less. Seriously. Being truly present with someone who is suffering can be a holy and sacred experience. One that cannot be measured, but that also cannot be minimized either. Most people don’t want to hear that it’ll get better, that “this too shall pass” or any other empty platitude. Besides, condolences are often given to make the “helper” feel better. Resist the urge to fill what you may see as awkward silences with “helping” words.
If the person is managing grief related to pregnancy loss, don’t send them to a source (however well-intentioned) that contains photos of babies. An article entitled, “How to Support Someone After Miscarriage” sounds great but trust me, they do not want to go to something named belly dot com. So feel free to check out the links first, to get a sense of whether it would be helpful or hurtful to the person you’re trying to support. Most likely, it will be somewhere in between because that’s the nature of grief.
Do not rush someone through the grieving process. Just because you think “six months is long enough to be upset / mope around / still be crying” does not make it so. I cannot stress this enough.
Even if miscarriage has happened to you (and I’m truly sorry if it has) avoid saying, “I went through it too / it’ll get better / you’ll be fine.” It doesn’t feel like anything will ever be fine again.
Please, please, please don’t tell them that they can try again. Or that it was God’s will. Maybe they can try again (but what if they can’t?) and maybe they will try again but right now, it is this specific loss that is hurting so much. Don’t try to nudge them (however lovingly, however well-intentioned) into the future while they are still so very much in the present.
As for the other part, I do not believe for a minute that it is ever God’s will for a baby to die. I believe that God weeps with us when we feel such sorrow and that it is only His strength and love that get us through these sorrows. If that doesn’t resonate with you, I’m still glad that you’re reaching out and I pray blessings for you and yours.